Can anyone ever feel so emotional yet so emotionless at the same time?
It’s weird, I know, but right now I don’t really know how to describe how I feel.
It’s like a pool of emotions that you’re drowning in, like a wave pulling you in but in a split second, you see yourself in a calm, quiet, empty place. A place where the thoughts in your head just echoes around you. It’s so loud that you can’t hear yourself breathe. It’s so quiet that it’s loud.
Maybe I'm just tired. Tired of being the lowest. Tired of being at the bottom. Tired of being sad. Tired of having such low self worth. Tired of thinking so lowly of myself. Tired of everything that it all turns numb that you don’t feel anything. Suddenly, you’re not tired or sad anymore but you’re just there. Still. So still. Maybe feeling calm, but you’re not sure if it’s a good or bad kind of calm.
Maybe I’m just confused. Confused of why everything is the way it is. I know life is too short to be worrying about every single thing but everywhere I turn, all these thoughts flashes before me. Too many questions to be asked, too many questions that I need answers to.
The thing is, when you’re still, you see everything pass by you. Everything goes by so quickly. Things like happy thoughts, motivation, good memories and moments. You try to grab hold of it but you’re so still and numb that you don’t even have the strength to even take a glimpse, letting them sweep pass your face.
All that is left is you. You and you alone.
But sometimes, these emotions comes pouring out and you can’t control them, just right after you feel numb. It’s not just one thing that triggers the emotions in me. It’s a compilation of things that I hold onto and I don’t have an outlet. They just keep piling. Maybe that is the problem. Even when everyone is trying to help you, they can’t get to you.
Often, I feel empty and I have been searching of ways to feel this emptiness for years. In this emptiness, I feel broken. Not that anything major just happened in my life but I feel everything that I have is slowly slipping away, slowly fading, slowly turning numb. It’s not like everything in my life is falling apart. I do think that I have everything I need but this emptiness does not help my case. This emptiness brings out so much negative emotions. Sadness, worry, anxiousness, frustration, low self worth. I know only God can fill this emptiness in me.
My happiness only lasts for a short term then all that sadness comes back to quickly. I really wonder why my sadness overpowers my happiness. Why can’t my happiness overpower my sadness? Why can’t I control my emotions
Don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I’m seeking for attention. It’s not like I choose to feel this way. It’s not like I choose to be sad or emotional. I’m just simply saying how I feel. I am grateful for what I have but I really don’t know why I have all these emotions.
I thank God with all my heart for being supportive of me and being there for me when I needed someone the most. He's the pillar of my strength and I know He is always there and that He always loves me. Even though I find it hard to stabilise but I know that God is always there to help me find that stability.
